I'm Gonna Teach You How To Live
by Kiaxet
Summary: Xehanort could care less about Eraqus' fascination with the ladies. It became his problem the day Eraqus dragged him along. If you ever wondered what these two old men were like as apprentices, this is one take on it.


Being a Keyblade apprentice was a far different experience than Xehanort had expected. He'd known that a certain amount of physical and mental prowess would be required, and he knew himself to be more than up to the task. No, what he had trouble dealing with was the social aspect: specifically, his fellow apprentice, Eraqus. He and Eraqus had indeed become fast friends, and in most aspects, they did agree, or were at least compatible. What irritated Xehanort to no end was Eraqus' growing and somewhat incessant fascination with the opposite sex. Xehanort couldn't see the appeal; Eraqus, on the other hand, seemed rather taken with it. Recently, he'd taken to cultivating a small moustache and what he'd called a soul patch. He thought it made him look dashing. Xehanort thought it made him look like a fool. Much to Xehanort's unending annoyance, many of the ladies they encountered on various worlds shared Eraqus' opinion on the matter.

He could handle the frequent flirting, irritating as it was. Xehanort was, however, getting incredibly tired of the _stories_ Eraqus would tell when he returned from a mission. Certainly, all his missions were completed in a timely and thorough manner, which kept their Master satisfied and rather approving of Eraqus' progress. Xehanort, on the other hand, found it rather difficult to believe that Eraqus could complete his mission _and_ find at least one girl - sometimes more than one - who would fall head over heels for him. If Eraqus were to be believed, he had left a trail of broken hearts across the worlds.

Fortunately, Xehanort didn't believe him. Unfortunately, that didn't stop Eraqus from involving him anyway.

"Xehanort, I've decided to be your wingman."

This hadn't been the first off-kilter proposal of Eraqus' that had given Xehanort pause. If his fellow apprentice had been a magpie, his treasure trove of shiny objects would be phrases and ideas picked up from various worlds. He debated ignoring the statement, but Eraqus would eventually expect an answer and there was no use in prolonging the inevitable. He closed his book, setting it down on the desk before making eye contact. "My what."

"Your wingman," Eraqus repeated. "A rather charismatic man on another world taught me about them. In essence, I'm going to be your support on the dating scene."

Had Xehanort been drinking something, he would have spat it across the room. "You," he choked, "are going to try to find me a girl?"

"No," Eraqus shook his head. "Not _try_."

It took a moment for Xehanort to mentally rewrite that sentence. He was none too pleased with the result. "_No._"

"And why not?"

"Because," Xehanort replied, knowing Eraqus would never accept such an open-ended answer. "I'm not interested."

"That's only because you've never tried."

"_And_," Xehanort continued as though he'd been interrupted and wasn't just making it up on the fly, "the Master will never approve."

Two hours and one world later, Xehanort was still wondering how those words could have gone so horribly, horribly wrong. "I can't believe you got the Master to approve."

"You already said that," Eraqus replied, smirk audible in his voice even if the helmet of his armor hid it from view. "Eight times."

"Nine is a good number," Xehanort muttered flatly, stepping off his glider and onto the ground of the new world. "And just _how_ did you manage that?"

"Simple." Eraqus dismissed his armor and Keyblade. "I told him that this mission would require extensive teamwork and encourage our support and understanding of one another."

"Without telling him your intention is to find me a girl."

"Exactly." That bit of a smirk had returned, and Xehanort found himself getting irritated again. "Though I think he would have approved even if I had mentioned that detail."

Knowing their Master, Xehanort couldn't argue with that. Dismissing his armor and Keyblade and trying not to grumble under his breath, he followed Eraqus into town. They may as well get this over with.

* * *

><p><em>If you read the Wingman line in a Barney Stinson voice, you've hit on the exact inspiration I had for this one. This went from an AIM chat straight into total crack, and I have to admit I kind of love it. I'm not sure if I'll write more - I guess if people like it or inspiration strikes, it'll get another chapter.<em>


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